Have you ever wished you could stop time? Or, maybe go back in time and change a few things so the outcome would be different? I've wished that I could redo things in my life many times. In fact, if things had been different for me, I would have three children today, instead of two. My name is DarC, and this is my Hot Mama Story...My First Pregnancy: Surprise!
I remember how scared I was to learn I was pregnant that first time. It was unexpected. I had just started dating a new guy four months earlier, I had just recently moved into a new place, and I had lost a dear pet the year before. I was also recently divorced from my husband of 10.5 years. The only constant in my life at the time was my job/career. The pregnancy was a bit unsettling to learn about at first because of these issues, but within a few days I started to relax. Then I became very gung-ho and very excited.
Without thinking, I started calling my family and friends and telling them the good news. I was pregnant! I couldn't contain my excitement. One of my friends sent me a few pregnancy books. I even started picking out several cute and trendy maternity clothes for work. Of course, I wasn't able to wear them yet, but I thought I was smartly planning ahead.
I even notified a few of my closest colleagues at work. Of course, I asked them to please keep the news quiet, so my boss didn't find out. In that first month, I was even on the internet looking at baby names, baby clothes, and baby cribs. I didn't buy anything for the baby at the time, but I dreamed about the bundle I was going to be having that Christmas (according to the calendar, he or she was due December 24).
A Devastating Occurrence: Miscarriage
Three months into my pregnancy (yes, you read that right: three months), I woke up feeling very odd. I shrugged off the feeling and started getting ready for work like normal. Despite that, I continued to feel very strange throughout the morning and oddly irritable. I remember figuring it was because I was pregnant, of course. These were normal pregnancy-related emotions, I kept telling myself.
Later that morning while sitting at my desk typing up a report, a tugging sensation hit my lower regions, and then an extremely sharp pain erupted. I ran to the bathroom, thinking I'd ate something that was making me sick. Instead, warm blood oozed into the toilet. My heart dropped into my throat, and I choked back the tears. Was this a miscarriage? If so, why was this happening? At three months?
I cleaned myself up and tearfully went into my boss's office. I was sickened that I had to ask him to take the afternoon off. I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth, so I only told him I was very ill and nauseous.
After leaving the office, I immediately dialed up my OB/GYN and scheduled an appointment with him the next morning. His office told me over the phone it was possible that the bleeding wasn't a miscarriage, but normal break-through bleeding. However, I was instructed to go straight home, to lie down, and keep my feet elevated.
After arriving home, I followed my doctor's instructions. I didn't move, except to use the bathroom. Each time I urinated, I bled. In my heart I knew I had lost the baby, but I kept hoping for a miracle. The next morning, while the bleeding continued, I kept my appointment. My doctor examined me and confirmed my suspicions: I was suffering a miscarriage.
At this point, he said I had two options. I could either allow the miscarriage to continue on its own, which can be even more emotionally draining, or I could schedule a surgical procedure called a D&C, which would clear out the fetus from the uterus, allowing me to heal quicker emotionally, and also allow him the opportunity to determine a possible medical cause for the miscarriage. I wasn't too keen on allowing the miscarriage to slowly drain my emotions, so I scheduled the D&C.
A Physical Recovery: The D&C
My D&C occurred one day later, on a Friday. I wanted to have the weekend to recuperate before I returned to work. I remember my doctor telling me before the surgery that when I woke up from it, my emotions were going to take over for a moment, and I would have a very strong and immediate response. He said, "you'll either laugh out loud or you'll sob."
I thought he was crazy. I couldn't imagine ever wanting to laugh about this. I remember slowly opening up my eyes in the recovery area. I was wrapped in warm blankets and very comfortable but, as soon as my eyes met my boyfriend's eyes, I burst into these huge, back-bending sobs. My tears were hot on my cheeks. I had never in my life cried like that before. My doctor had been right: it was extremely intense. My boyfriend held me for a long time. To this day, I am so thankful he was there with me.
An Emotional Recovery
After I was discharged from the hospital, I still felt a sense of loss, but it wasn't as strong as it had been before I underwent the surgery. The D&C had taken away most of the deep emotional turmoil I was suffering. In its place, I had acquired some intense physical cramping, but it was so much easier to cope with than the emotional pain.
The hardest part of the whole healing process was having to inform all my friends and family that I had suffered a miscarriage. If I had just not told anyone about the pregnancy until I'd made it past the first trimester, I wouldn't have had to relive it over and over again. The disappointment I saw in their eyes as I told them and the awkward silences and kind words that followed were quite painful. It was definitely a lesson learned.
Several months after our loss, we decided it was time to try again for a child. That child (our daughter) was conceived 18 months later. And, due to the lesson learned, we didn't tell a soul until I passed the first trimester. Now our daughter is a very active and beautiful preschooler! We then welcomed her brother, who is now a precocious and sweet 18 month old.
I am truly thankful for their daddy, the man in my life who was there for me throughout the whole heartbreaking process. I understand that men grieve in ways that may cause us to think they're not properly grieving or supporting us; however, he never once let me down. He always listened when I talked about it. This was extremely important in my healing process. Due to my history of depression, I had the ability to fall into one after the loss. But, I didn't. I truly believe that his support is what made our relationship stronger, and why we're still together to this day.
Thanks for listening.
~Darcie (DarC)~
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